KNOWING WHERE HE IS DOESN’T MEAN THAT I DON’T MISS HIM

It’s been quite 5 months since he went away, leaving me with the memories and longings to see him again, to hear him laugh and tease me again, to love and be loved by him again. I know I will, but while waiting for the time to come, I have to deal with these feelings. They say that grieve lessens but does not dissipate, and until then the healing will be incomplete. How true it is.
I don’t have the least of doubt of where he is right now, though it is sometimes hard to imagine such a perfect place -- where there are no tears or sorrow--, amidst this broken, imperfect world. And when I wake up in the middle of the night, think about him and shed a tear or two, I wonder if he also misses me out there. And if the thought of me mars his perfect happiness with a tingle of pain, a pain of being separated from the loved ones, I truly hope that he never thinks of me. After all, he had always thought of me first during my almost 27 years of age.
And, thinking that where he is right now must be full with joy, indeed gives me a great consolation and enables me to grieve with hope all this time.
But I miss him still. I miss listening to him humming in the morning, I miss watching him reading on his couch, sipping coffee and commenting on my latest literary work. I miss laying my head on his shoulders and letting him know how much he meant to me, despite the lack of words exchanged.
However, instead of weeping over this great loss incessantly, I’d rather give thanks for the years, months, days, hours, and seconds that I spent together with him, in our unconditional love, the glimpse of another love, which is greater than life itself. After all, not every kid in the world has the privilege of being raised up by a good and loving father like mine.

MY DREAM LIST IN ITALY

(Position DOES NOT determine degree of importance, I just jotted down whichever came first to mind)

Meet/visit/go out with/see my Italian/European friends (some I have not seen for ages, some I have just met, some I have never met but have known for years through correspondence—friendships can happen in so many ways after all). *

Meet Gianluca Pagliuca and thank him personally for planting a seed of passion for Italy in my heart, in the first place, which eventually grew stronger day by day. *****

Lick gelati italiani and baci Perugina to my heart’s content, without getting fat cos I’ll be walking around a lot. *

Watch the live concert of Neri per Caso and sing OFF stage with them (used to be ***, but now * thanks to Mario)

Go to the Trevi Fountain and throw three coins there. One, to come back again, two, for a beautiful romance, and three… for a live happily everafter, or whatever… ****

Have a one-lap riding with Valentino Rossi *****

Learn to dance Tarantella and eat Cazu Marzu in the South **

Spending night in one of the trulli di alberobello, feeling like Snow White **

Watch Rigoletto or La Boheme in Piccolo Teatro Campopisano Genoa, and have a nice passeggiata in Bogliasco **

Be a valedictorian at the end of the academic year, and make my Italian teachers proud of me—which also means that by that time I’ll be speaking Italian without having to think first and will never again feel frustrated of not being able to express myself freely in that most beautiful language in the world! ***

Visiting Cremona to see the violins and revive my passion in it (that I have to suppress now due to lacking of time)—not yet sure if I’ll take mine there, though… 20 kgs only! *

Take a gondola and enjoy a nice evening in Venezia under the stars and moonlight, with a sweet guy singing one of Patrizio Buanne’s songs for me… come prima, più di prima, t'amerò ****

Watch derby della madonnina in Giuseppe Meazza stadium, wearing Inter’s shirt and feeling like a true tifosa. Yea, FORZA INTER!! *

Visit Appiano Gentile and ask Marco Materazzi about what he really said to Zidane that got him a famous head-butt, and oh… take a picture with Javier Zanetti and Jose Mourinho! ***

Stop being shy and be more ‘aperta’ like the Italians…be a talkative person, talk to each one of them and absorb as many Italian vocabs as my brains can hold (without really breaking ‘em). ***

Get some mimosa and feel special on the woman’s day (ohh shoot! I’ll be there after 9 March, unfortunately) ****

Learn the art of ‘being elegante all the time’ and ‘cooking like Italian moms’ ***

See the snow (for the first time in my life!) falling slowly from the skies like flakes of cottons…ROMANTIC!!!!!!!

And the list can go on and on as I dream away… (which is my full-time job right now!)…ooh, la vita è veramente bella!

*Definitely will be done and I can’t wait to do so! (oohhh… 5 more months to go!)
** Might or might not come true, depends on how much time and money I’ll have
*** Needs a lot of work but still possible to achieve
**** I know… I know….I sound cheesy and corny, but that’s me!
***** Yea, right… who do you think you are? Wake up, dreamer!

ANGOLI DIVERSI

HURRAYYY!!!!!!!
Finally I can listen to all the songs from the newest album of Neri per Caso, Angoli Diversi… thanks to my friend Stefania who sent them to me after knowing that I could not find the album in all the music stores I went to in Jakarta.

Ohhhh…. It’s so good to hear the great voices of Mimi, Diego, Massimo, Ciro, Mario and Gonzalo, after waiting for their new album for so long!

Listening to them sing brought back the memories when I was 19, so crazy about them that I did my best to get a chance to meet and talk to them before they held their concert in Bandung, the city where I studied. I have no regret though I had to rush out from my mid-exams and skip another class just to meet them. They were AWESOME!

Thanks to them, my passion for Italy expanded and grew stronger. Thanks to their songs, I got to learn how to pronounce the Italian words when I had just begun my autodidact learning.

By the way, is there anybody who can help me identify the singers with whom they collaborated in this album, besides Mango in ‘bella d’estate’ and Mario Biondi in ‘what a fool believes’? I don’t know many Italian singers besides Laura Pausini, Eros Ramazzotti, Georgia and Andrea Bocelli—looking forward to get to know more once I arrive there!

NON VEDO L’ORA!

ONE STEP CLOSER

I remember the thought that crossed my mind while I was walking to enroll myself in an Italian evening class. I told myself, “I’m taking my first step to Rome.” Talk about faith!

Last week, as I was waiting to enter the Italian embassy to sign several documents for the scholarship, I recalled that statement and (again) told myself, “I’m one step closer to Rome.”

Indeed, Rome will be the first city in Europe I will set my feet in next year…(ayy….time, please do fly!).

I did not complain of having to spend my whole morning mostly waiting and waiting, cos I got to talk a lot with other scholarship winners. Together with those who are taking master and doctoral degrees, we are in 11, enough to form a soccer team!

And, as we shared the same excitement and worries, bonds were fast built. Most of us have to leave for Italy at different times, different cities, different universities. But there is one person who will study at the same period of time and same university with me (only different length of time, she got 6 month scholarship, I got 9), and so we plan to go together and share an apartment.

Before I met her, I asked my teacher whether it would be possible for me to stay with an Italian family, to expedite my learning their language and culture, and he said he would seek that possibility. Now I changed my mind, cos I’m just so excited to share an apartment with her.

You know why?

When we started to talk, she told me that her intention of learning Italian was because she wanted to study in a conservatoire afterwards. And, upon hearing the word conservatoire, I immediately asked, “What do you play?”

Can you guess?

Yeppp… VIOLIN!


(I am now mentally packing my stuff—violin included—to go to Perugia! And I promise, no matter how long the flight will be, or how boring the bureaucracy will be, no matter how freezing the winter will be and how strong the homesickness will be, I WILL NOT COMPLAIN of anything, while I am there!)

TIME TO SAY GOODBYE

To the Italian squad from the EURO 2008 championship!
WOAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…………………….. so saaaaaaaaaaaddddd….
But my prophecy (read my previous blog post) came true… I only got to hear fratelli d’Italia once more, i.e. last night… and that was it........

(sniff..sniff.. still weeping with Pirlo and De Rossi!)

ps. maybe this is the sign i should stop fare piccole ore!

DOV’E LA VITTORIA?

…had been the question I asked to the Italian soccer team during this Euro 2008, for they failed to win in the first two matches.
Last night, the long awaited victory finally showed herself, when they defeated France 2-0. Both teams failed to show their best performance, I daresay, but the second goal from Daniele De Rossi was superb, though.

Sigh… the next match against Spain (most likely!) will be terribly hard for gli azzuri.. especially because Gattuso and Pirlo will be absent due to the two yellow cards they got, and also because Toni has been infertile so far.

Ah well, at least I got to hear their national anthem once again.. (this is the first tournament in which I could sing it along from the beginning to the end… laugh at me, but I used to memorize the lyrics before going to sleep and hum to myself while dreaming of Italy.…)

Fratelli d'Italia (Italian brothers)
L'Italia s'่ desta (Italy has arisen)
Dell'elmo di Scipio (With Scipio's helmet)
S'่è cinta la testa (binding her head)
Dov’è la Vittoria? (Where is Victory?)
Le porga la chioma (Let her bow down)
Chè schiava di Roma (For the slave of Rome)
Iddio la creò (God has made her)

Stringiamoci a coorte (Let us gather in legions)
Siam pronti alla morte (Ready to die)
Italia chiamò! (Italy has called!)

SI!

TIME ENOUGH FOR TEARS

This week has been the toughest I’ve ever faced, as I have attended two funerals of my beloved ones. First, my dad, and then, 6 days later, my colleague Eva.

And as I stood there watching their final seconds on earth, I could not help wishing my tears had been of a phoenix, so they would have not been so powerless to do anything for them. Thankfully both died peacefully, but the memories can be more painful than any sharp knife. There’s nothing I can say or do that can take away the pain of losing them.

Of course I am grateful to have been able beside my dad during his final days, talking to him, letting him know how much he meant to me and how I loved him, listening to him singing my favorite childhood song despite his struggle for air, while I rested my head beside his, and the pillow became wet with my tears because my heart had no room except for sorrow and fears. I still wanted to do a lot more for him, and I always wished he would be there on my wedding someday. But upon seeing his condition, I realized I had been so selfish to demand that from him—he had been always there for me. So I changed my prayers—I prayed that I would be there when he needed me, when he breathed the last (it was granted).

Still, it was killing me to see him suffer, and I learned to understand why the Father turned His face away as His only Son suffered the death, cos I felt the same too. I wanted to run away, hide myself somewhere, so I did not have to see him slumped in the hospital bed, skin and bones, with swollen legs and pale face. I‘d never seen him so weak and old like that before, and all I could do was just holding his hand crying, wanting to help but was unable to.

And all he was worried about was me, whether I got bored staying all day long with him at the hospital room, whether I had spent a lot on his medical care, whether I would get fired if I kept staying with him and skipped work too long. He was he, the best father I could have ever asked for. A simple man who only knew how to work hard and sacrifice for his family, the one who loved my mom unconditionally, and would’ve been more than willing to die for his children should’ve it been necessary. And, as if he had known my secret fears, he kept showing us a confirmation after another of his true faith, making us sure where he is now. He’s home and he’s free. And like always, he is waiting for me there with his assuring smile—until I too am called home when my time comes. And what he has now is far greater than anything I could give him here.

But I still cry over him, especially when I’m alone with the memories.

However, I knew my life had to go on, so three days after the funeral I came back to work, received the condolences, and even could laugh and trade teasing glances with my colleague Eva—and all I could think of was how pretty she looked that day—who would have thought, it was her last smile to me, cos the following morning, she became a victim of a hit and run accident, banged her head hard, had a fatal hemorrhage, and lost her consciousness. It was heart-wrenching to see the doctor take off all the sustaining machines and let her die, leaving a mother, a husband, and three kids who wailed for her, and a lot more people who would miss her so much. Gone is my motherly friend, who always helped me and stood up for me, encouraged me to pursue my dreams, took a good care of me as if I had been her family—she even secretly planned to cook for my oncoming birthday, wanting to cheer me up after the loss of my father. I don’t remember ever getting upset with her, not even once during the 6 months of working together everyday, side by side.

I wish this week were just a dream, a nightmare, and I could wake up the next morning still having them around. But it is not, cos bad things also happen to good people. Even so, I still can say, God gives, God takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.

STOP RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

People, stop turn over your calendars!
Clock, stop ticking!
Earth, stop revolving!

Let me enjoy being 26 a lil bit longer, please?

SEARCHING WITHOUT HOPING TO FIND….

….. and waiting for something I did not want to come true. That was the ‘title’ of my life chapter last week.

Yea, after feeling an extreme fatigue, intense headache, sore in my joints, nausea and tummy-ache, I was struck with a terror of having to repeat my nightmare two years ago, when I had a close brush with death.

So I frantically searched for red spots all over my skin, and waited for the more convincing symptom of dengue: a sudden high fever, which would cause you to grit your teeth in cold while your body is as hot as a stove, and which would turn my fears into reality: dengue fever for the second time.

Even thinking about it made me shiver with fears, and imagining those lonely hours at the hospital drove me to tears. As I lied awake in my bed, with a spinning head and without any energy left on my sweated body, I sobbed and could not help picking up a bone with God. Why me again? Why this time, when I have so much to do and I cannot tell my mom of my worries, since she has had enough from taking care of my sick dad?

But luckily the good sense got the best of me and I started to pray that God miraculously would spare me from that darned disease. Distant and rare my prayers were, He was and is and will be faithful to hear me.

The following morning, instead of getting worse, I felt so much better and relieved and soooo happy that even if somebody had dared to step on my feet on purpose, slap me on both cheeks and insult me flat out, I don’t think I could’ve gotten angry. Amazing how gratitude can make you much more patient, eh?

(I’m also so grateful for those caring people who love me enough to share my worries and burdens, amidst my paranoid state of mind!)

….AND ALL IS WELL THAT ENDS WELL

So it is with my Italian course. It was fun from the beginning to the end, period.
If you think three months are too short to bring people together, to care and respect for each other, you’re dead wrong.
During the last three months, I’ve grown to love my classmates and teacher at the Italian Institute a lot—it is like having a family to share the two evenings in every week with, while mine is far away from Jakarta.

Of course, before we got to know each other better, it was a lil bit awkward. The professor even complained once about how serious we were, how not-smiley we were when trying to comprehend the grammar. And he commanded us to be more relaxed, to smile and laugh more, and just to enjoy ourselves.

And, since he walks what he talks, it didn’t take long before his sense of humor infected all of us, who later on became experts in giggling, snickering, and laughing, til he started calling our class a manicomio (lunatic asylum).

At first we were probably a little bit shocked (not too bad, though) with a teacher who often calls us brutta, matta, asina, bugiarda, vipera, zitella (ugly, crazy, stupid, liar, viper, spinster) and whose favorite sentences are vuoi sposarmi? (would you marry me?), and mi dai un bacio? (would you give me a kiss?), whose famous line in Indonesian is: Saya guru paling ganteng, paling manis, paling pintar di seluruh jagat raya! (I’m the handsomest, sweetest, best teacher in the whole universe!), and who loves to suggest his students to wear mini-gonna (mini-skirts). Even though we might’ve shaken our heads at his jokes, played the devil’s advocate every time he boasted about himself, and, more often than not, said no to his marriage proposal(s), none of us doubted that he is a superb teacher—a teacher to the core.

He made his own modules, and came to the classroom well-prepared. He knew how to explain the complicated grammatical rules in a way that is easy to be remembered and understood, and though at first he seemed to scare most of the students by yelling their names to answer some questions, we finally knew that it was part of his sense of humor, that he meant no harm, and that he knew what he was doing, shaping us to become smarter. He also knew how to balance the knowledge and fun, and made both get along well by a lot of fun intermezzos, like singing some songs together, recite a poem, reading a lot of jokes, and listening to his life story. Once, he even dragged a young Italian guy he found at the library to our class, to be grilled by our ‘shameless’ questions (are you married…would you marry me… would you give me a kiss…would you give me your heart--kind of thing), which that poor guy could fortunately dodge out of some (oh, I think it’s too premature… I can’t live without my heart…).
And oh, then I fully realized that we had become so much like our beloved teacher! (After all, it is just natural that we repeat what we have often heard, right?)

Maybe it is an evidence that we actually are fond of him (though of course, we would rather die than admitting it in front of him!), but we did show him how much we loved and respected him last night, when we celebrated his 55th birthday.

Even a week before the exam we had plotted to organize something special for him, and assigned certain persons to be in charge of the gift, wine, food, music, and invitees…(and, since most of the ladies are fashionable, we decided to wear cocktail dresses). The heavy rain killed our hope to hold a garden party after the class. Instead, we gathered in the lobby and partied there (no lesson at all!). Accompanied by the beautiful music from the harp, we sang the Happy Birthday song (in Italian version of course) together. What a night to remember, with lots of joy and laughter. I just hope that it would also be memorable for our professor, and would at least reduce his many ‘nightmares’ of living in Jakarta. I overheard one of the teachers teased him, “So after all this, can you still say you don’t like Indonesia?” and he just smiled. And I hope, that smile means, “No, I’ve changed my mind now.”

Above is the picture of our gift for him. More pictures will follow later, after I gather them from other classmates (who, apparently, have better cameras and were more diligent in taking pictures)

MY ONE REMAINING BIGGEST DREAM

It feels like yesterday, when I rushed to the Italian Institute to enroll myself in a language course (just like I’d always wanted to do, but never had a chance), and then waited impatiently until there were enough people to start a new class.

And I still remember those feelings I felt, while I was walking there to have my first lesson, that Thursday night, about three months ago. There were butterflies in my stomach, and tingling sensations which crept all over my bones, and to every tip of my fingers; the same feelings like I had when I touched my own violin for the first time (after wanting it so bad), or after a call from a publisher who told me that they liked my script and wanted to publish it (after waiting for that good news so long) -- feelings I often feels when I’m………. in love.

And I guess I am.

I’m in love with music, writing, and Italian language. Those are my three biggest dreams and desires. Funny how people often mistook it.
They teased me of having a crush with a male violinist when I stood amazed at the beautiful melody he played and told myself, “Someday I’ll be playing it too.”
They thought I was writing my own romance and experiences in my book, while I only imagined and made things up.
And having seen me so motivated in learning Italian over the years, toiling with those complicated grammatical rules by myself, they often suspected me of having an Italian boyfriend (while I’ve never had any).

Do people think it is really impossible to be so passionate about things just because the way they are?
Surely things cannot stand alone, they’re always interrelated and intertwined somehow, and one thing can lead to another, but when one thing is too dependent to the other, what happens when the other one is finally gone?

True passion survives the time test, and love is stronger than pains. It indeed is. My love for music strengthened me to practice diligently (until my nails were all cracked and dry, and my shoulders and hands were sore and rigid), my love for literature kept me writing for years (despite those rejection slips I got), and my love for Italy –oh can’t you believe it—has made me even willing to put aside those other two!

At first I was trying to be a super woman, juggling so many things at once (two jobs, a violin course, long writing hours every night, and Italian lesson twice a week) but then I realized that I’m merely a human being with normal energy that runs out easily—so I’ve got to be wise, I’ve got to make priorities.

God has been so good to me (He is all the time!). He graciously granted me a place in the student orchestra last year, several months after my book was out in the store. Those (among other things) had been in my prayers every night. Never mind the many wrong tunes I hit in the concert, never mind the not so good sale of my book, I still counted it as my two biggest dreams come true.

And so I’m still waiting for the third one to happen. I long for the day when I can finally be in Italy, to see, feel, taste, learn, and enjoy the language and culture which have inspired me a lot, in ways that are too broad and profound to be described by words only.

Now the course is about to finish after the final exam last Thursday, but that doesn’t mean that my learning process is over. The ending of something is always the beginning of something else. I’m still hungry and thirsty to learn more and more and more, until I can speak Italian fluently and effortless, not mixing up the verb conjugations, not stammering to find the right words, or being frustrated of not knowing how to express myself properly due to the lack in vocabulary.

They say, Tutte le strade portano a Roma (all roads lead to Rome), and I can only say, “Amen, amen, amen.”

CORSO ITALIANO E UN PROFESSORE MATTO!

Well, after waiting for twelve years, two months, three weeks and four days (I’ve been counting, you know)--- I finally got an opportunity to learn Italian, the most heart-charming (for me) language in the world, formally, in a class, with other students, with a real Italian teacher (rather than groping with all those grammatical rules and tenses only by looking at books, by myself)--- and it just started last week!
So, hurrrrraaaaay!
I managed to convince (with a little bit of efforts) the institute to allow me to skip to the second level—making me nervous and dread to be the most stupida in the class—but thanksfully it did not happen.
And let me tell you about my teacher, Professor Raffaele Contardi, who claimed to be the best Italian teacher in the whole universe, who already knew how to say ‘I’m a handsome man’ in Indonesian, and who snorted ‘bugiarda!’ (meaning liar) when I said I agreed with everything he’d said (and yeah, I did lie a little!).
In short words, he is a RIOT! (and by the way, I mean it as a compliment, just in case you wonder)
He would storm in the class, bombard the students with Italian words which flow so smoothly and super fast from his mouth, making me envy of his eloquence. Most of the students were just taken aback, taking five seconds or so before finally managed to utter the response, making him grow impatient—and he was not reluctant to show it. So far I think I had done pretty good, sometimes got a ’brava!’ when I could fire back fast. And most of the time he used me as his translating machine, asking ‘come si dice in Indonesiano?’ for almost every Italian word he taught us.
Though he (almost) yelled all the time, complained about the absentees, bragged about himself, flirted with some beautiful students, grilled the rather slow ones, and could not care less to slow down despite so frequent raised hands with a protesting sigh “troppo veloce...troppo veloce…(too fast..too fast..)’, and also his threat to throw us out of the window (our class is on the 2nd floor, btw) if in the next lesson we cannot introduce ourselves and rant all the words in 12 seconds, our class was full with laughter and spirit he carried within every motion he made. Once or twice I even had to dodge my head out of his always moving around hands, afraid to be slapped accidentally.
And I ENJOYED IT A LOT!
I felt that I did belong there, where my favorite language was being taught as it is used by real Italians. And all those years in waiting finally paid off (of course, this is just the beginning, because I still long for a day where I can where all the people around me use it and I can blend in the culture as well).
So two hours felt like five minutes for me. The crazy professor suggested to continue until
10pm, and I wanted so much to nod in agreement (this time I didn’t lie!), but my head was stiff motionless for the fear of being booed by other students who could not wait to go home. And so my craving to still sit there and listen and talk Italian made me feel like una studentessa matta, a crazy student.
And I guess I am. I’m too much in love with the language that it hurts too much to stop. But that’s ok, cos una studentessa matta just fits in to learn with un professore matto, or, like Toto Cutugno puts it, un Italiano vero.

THE COOLEST ITALIAN MOVIE

http://tcc.itc.it/people/rocchi/fun/europe.html
check it out!
I had a big kick out of it! Never thought that Italians are so much like Indonesians, in soooo many ways! (I guess that's why i always have a soft spot for it in my heart!)
EVIVVA ITALIA!

THE AGONY OF WAITING

Been only weeks, but feels like a century
Lots of questions asked, but it remains a mystery
Love, or temporary infatuation?
Hope, or merely just an illusion?
Time, won’t you soon tell
Please, make all go well
Once again, on that same crossroad
One path is narrow, the other is broad
Where should I tread?
For going forward, I dread
Time, won’t you soon tell
Please, make all go well

MY FIRST LOVE….

…was sweet, and indeed hit the spot. It tasted peachy, a bit tangy too… all in all, refreshing!
Don’t be taken in too fast, my friends… I’m not being sentimentally romantic, I’m talking about a drink I had in a Chinese restaurant yesterday.
Yes, it is called First Love, such an eye-catching phrase in the menu, sweeter to read and imagine than, say, Drunken Chicken or whatsoever weird names for the other foods listed on the main menu.
Upon hearing the name of peach, I succumbed and ordered one. And I was not disappointed. So if I had been asked, “How was your first love?”, I would have answered (referring to the drink), “My first love was sweet, without the least tint of bitterness.” But in another context, I probably would not say so.
My first love (unrelated to the drink) was kind of rough, more bitter than sweet, lots to remember, but more to (wistfully) forget. And come to think of it, I look at being in love as a double-edged sword. It could protect, but also could hurt. It is also like a fruit; could be sour, could be sweet. And it is only sweet, when it is not unrequited!