In is different than out
Inside is sometimes opposite of outside
Inside she is painfully shy, but outside she looks arrogant and aloof
She truly cares, but often she doesn’t know how to share
She might seem so full-concentrated all the time,
That her friends once asked her what the secret of not being sleepy during the lecture was.
And she just smiled while saying, “I don’t know. I get sleepy very often too.”
But the secret is, she has another world to escape, where her mind is no longer distracted and her thoughts could wander freely. Her eyes might be wide open but she is dreaming.
And those dreams keep her happy, motivate her to reach them with her tiny hands and her faith in the big hands of God.
That’s why she still can smile to the cruel world. People think she must be strong and care-free, that once her friend asked her whether she ever felt sad.
If only they knew, that she cries too at night.
She feels low sometimes, but it doesn’t show.
She can get angry or upset with you, but you can’t really tell, unless you know her very well.
Many people think she’s smart, and tell her that she is talented, a rare gem, but she often feels stupid, unwanted and hopeless.
Some try to make her down on purpose, by being critical to her appearance, or choices, or being skeptical to her desire and ambition when all she needs is a supportive friend.
And sometimes it’s too much that it bugs her. But sometimes it gets lighter when she chooses not to listen to people. And instead, she remembers that she is loved by her Creator, no matter what And when she does, everything else that others say doesn’t matter anymore.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
LONELINESS IS….
When your close friends who would be all ears are far away and they don’t like to write emails or letters (because some people were born with no desire to write at all), and phone calls or transportation tickets are expensive.
When your friends who relatively are physically nearer have lives like a machine where they don’t even have enough time to rest and take care of themselves, so they work all day and crash at night and get stressed out and feel unhappy and too busy to keep in touch with you.
When you have great friends who would love to meet with you but the traffic sucks, and it is so unfair to drive for four hours just to be with your buddies for two hours.
When you can’t really connect with people around you because each of us are too absorbed in our own troubles that we want to be the one talking and not listening, and too distracted to care for others.
When you finally have a chance to get together with your friends and you realize that we have changed a lot, and you feel so out of place.
When you have so much to say and the first thing that comes to your mind is not, “Oh, this is so exciting, I will tell Jessica about this.” Nor “Hmm…I wonder what Gary thinks about this.” But “I will write this on my diary.” Or “I will post this on my blog.”
Living in Jakarta
When your friends who relatively are physically nearer have lives like a machine where they don’t even have enough time to rest and take care of themselves, so they work all day and crash at night and get stressed out and feel unhappy and too busy to keep in touch with you.
When you have great friends who would love to meet with you but the traffic sucks, and it is so unfair to drive for four hours just to be with your buddies for two hours.
When you can’t really connect with people around you because each of us are too absorbed in our own troubles that we want to be the one talking and not listening, and too distracted to care for others.
When you finally have a chance to get together with your friends and you realize that we have changed a lot, and you feel so out of place.
When you have so much to say and the first thing that comes to your mind is not, “Oh, this is so exciting, I will tell Jessica about this.” Nor “Hmm…I wonder what Gary thinks about this.” But “I will write this on my diary.” Or “I will post this on my blog.”
Living in Jakarta
RAMPAGE
My nephew Henry bought a new PS CD called Rampage, and sabotaged the TV all day long to play that game. I was so concerned because instead of fighting evils or catching the bad guys, that game showed some monsters destroying city, eating people and stirring up troubles. And they looked evil too with ugly faces and red eyes. I am concerned that many games seem to promote violence and teach kids to destroy and hurt others rather than to build and love.
Is this what we need for the next generation? Eating-people monsters?
JOGGING IS FUN
I can’t understand some people who think jogging is boring. I don’t understand people who don’t like to exercise, and they usually snore loud. Working out is always fun for me, especially in the city park where I went this Saturday morning. I wish there were a park like that near my place. There were some playgrounds where kids can build castles with the sand, or have fun with the swings. And there were many different trees with beautiful names. As I passed them by I tried my best to remember them and observed the difference in their looks (tavetia, saracea, and my fave name was of course ‘beautiful violin’, maybe violins are made of its wood).
To be honest, had not I read the name sign in front of each tree, I wouldn’t have known that they were different. I thank God that He didn’t think the same way about us humans as I used to about the trees. When He looks down from the heavens, He looks into our hearts, and He knows us by name, knows us like a best friend we’ve never had on earth. And He even counts every drop of tears we shed and stores in His bottle. Isn’t is amazing that the glorious and holy God is actually very near to us?
To be honest, had not I read the name sign in front of each tree, I wouldn’t have known that they were different. I thank God that He didn’t think the same way about us humans as I used to about the trees. When He looks down from the heavens, He looks into our hearts, and He knows us by name, knows us like a best friend we’ve never had on earth. And He even counts every drop of tears we shed and stores in His bottle. Isn’t is amazing that the glorious and holy God is actually very near to us?
FACIAL VS ZITS
This was the third time.
This time I consciously prayed for courage beforehand.
This time was lighter.
This time less tear drops shed.
This time only two shots on my right cheek and chin.
This time with several compliments on my ‘getting better’ skin.
Is this the sign that my pain durability is getting stronger and I am ready to be the fear factor show?
This time I consciously prayed for courage beforehand.
This time was lighter.
This time less tear drops shed.
This time only two shots on my right cheek and chin.
This time with several compliments on my ‘getting better’ skin.
Is this the sign that my pain durability is getting stronger and I am ready to be the fear factor show?
I LOVE VEGGIES (NOW)!
I used to hate raw veggies. My Americans roommates often laughed at me whenever I picked and inserted the tiniest lettuce on my sandwich. And salads and cereals were two American stuff I couldn’t stand.
“I’m not a goat, or rabbit.” That’s the excuse I made to justify myself for not liking raw veggies.
And can’t you believe, that I once had a plan to (try to) become a vegetarian? I guess that’s triggered by my consciousness that my body really needs fresh vegetables to stay fit. So I did make some efforts to like them. I started to pick and eat bigger lettuce leaves, and cucumbers, and tomatoes and cabbage and carrots and….I finally found myself in a store, looking for some salad dressing, and fresh veggies and was furious knowing they didn’t have lettuce!
And I have been craving for salad ever since! My friend Wulan and I had a big portion of Pizza hut salad one afternoon, and on my way home I was already hungry for another portion.
Oh, I guess I am having my salad days now..lol…(but I still hate cereals!)
“I’m not a goat, or rabbit.” That’s the excuse I made to justify myself for not liking raw veggies.
And can’t you believe, that I once had a plan to (try to) become a vegetarian? I guess that’s triggered by my consciousness that my body really needs fresh vegetables to stay fit. So I did make some efforts to like them. I started to pick and eat bigger lettuce leaves, and cucumbers, and tomatoes and cabbage and carrots and….I finally found myself in a store, looking for some salad dressing, and fresh veggies and was furious knowing they didn’t have lettuce!
And I have been craving for salad ever since! My friend Wulan and I had a big portion of Pizza hut salad one afternoon, and on my way home I was already hungry for another portion.
Oh, I guess I am having my salad days now..lol…(but I still hate cereals!)
Thursday, April 27, 2006
THINGS YOU LONG FOR WHEN YOU’RE SICK
Having experienced being hospitalized for the first time in my life, I listed some things that I wanted so bad during my lonely and painful days (and can you believe it, it was all because of a bite from a small animal called mosquito!):
-My Mom with her smile and soothing words that could motivate me to want to smile back at her soon without wincing from the pain
-Visitors who would cheer my low spirit with their laughter, encouragement and funny jokes
- Someone to sing me a song about the Lord, because what kept echoing on my mind was ‘How can you mend a broken heart?’ of Michael Bubble (Why, I’m not even a fan of him!)
- Someone to read me a book (the complete book of the Chronicles of Narnia was laying on the table next to my bed, and I couldn’t even read a page without getting dizzy), or a Bible passage
-Good appetite like I’d always had. It was so frustrating to feel nauseated even when you just imagine your most favorite food, let alone to smell it and try to eat without throwing it up a second later. Even lasagna and tacos sounded revolving at that time
And I prayed for those all the time, and God did this:
-On the third day my appetite gradually came back, and I ate like crazy. My sister always came after the hospital meal time and brought me more foods (soup, French fries, fried chicken, porridge, guava juice etc etc) everytime…and I thought my stomach would blow.
-My colleagues visited me an hour before the official visiting hours, and we thought they could bend the rules, just like Indonesian habit, but apparently not in this international hospital. So they waited a bit and then came up to see me.
- Along came my roommate, a sweet Bataknese girl with a great voice, and she sang ‘I want to love Jesus forever’ in the mornings. (I was so impressed with her voice that I told her to try her luck in the Indonesian Idol).
-My dizziness was slowly vanishing so I could read for myself. And later at home I finished that super thick Narnia book.
- Mom picked me up and I got to spend the whole two weeks at home afterwards, being indulged by her great foods and was not let to do anything except eating and sleeping. So I felt very much like Garfield.
And God did more than that. He made me feel nothing painful when they injected IV and some other liquid thing through my vein, though the nurse kept telling me that it would hurt a bit (when the nurse or doctor said ‘a bit’, they usually meant ‘a lot’ – so I consider it a miracle).And I have come to appreciate life better.
Never had I found myself so full of awe to feel the breeze blowing and the green leaves rustling on the trees as we drove out of the hospital on that triumphant day. And even the whining voices of my hyper nephews was like a music to my ear, as they fought over some fruit left on the basket that I hadn’t had a chance to nibble on.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
I DONT KNOW YOU ANYMORE
You used to be humble, simple, someone with mature principles. I need a talk, I said. And you were always there, sparing time and energy to listen to me and my endless stories.
You had dreams, vision for the future, a castle built in the air. You were just another dreamer, I was glad I was not the only one. You worked hard, played hard. And I pray that you still pray hard. When I saw you, I saw someone like me. Sometimes it did hurt to dream when dreams seemed to be million miles away, but the pain alleviated when we knew we were not alone. And we were happy with what we had, and what we hoped for the future.I thought you would be always that way, but I was wrong.
Now I don’t know you anymore. We live in the same city, you and me. But you’re as far as you could be. When I get lonely, have lots of stories to tell but nobody to listen, I think of you, and how fun it will be if I meet with you and we can talk like we always did before. But I don’t know you anymore. When I talk, your mind is on vacation. No more attention.
No more listening, only arguing over things that don’t matter. You used to stand for me when others hurt me. But you hurt me now, and it doesn’t seem to bother you at all. You hurt me by changing from a great friend into an alien. What happened to our sweet friendship? Busyness has become its greatest enemy.
When I look at you now, I wonder where my good friend has gone, and how could this stranger now dwell in you.And I can see you’re not happy. Oh you are so unhappy. Maybe this unhappiness has made you forget to listen, or is it a sign that it’s my turn now to listen to you? Did I talk too much and never listen enough and now you get sick of my selfishness?I would like to listen to you. Call me. Drop me an email. Ask me out. Tell me that you need a talk. But you remain silent. And even when we finally talk, I realize we don’t even speak the same language anymore.I really miss you.
I miss the one I used to know. I don’t like the new you, cos I don’t know you anymore.
Do you really know me?
You had dreams, vision for the future, a castle built in the air. You were just another dreamer, I was glad I was not the only one. You worked hard, played hard. And I pray that you still pray hard. When I saw you, I saw someone like me. Sometimes it did hurt to dream when dreams seemed to be million miles away, but the pain alleviated when we knew we were not alone. And we were happy with what we had, and what we hoped for the future.I thought you would be always that way, but I was wrong.
Now I don’t know you anymore. We live in the same city, you and me. But you’re as far as you could be. When I get lonely, have lots of stories to tell but nobody to listen, I think of you, and how fun it will be if I meet with you and we can talk like we always did before. But I don’t know you anymore. When I talk, your mind is on vacation. No more attention.
No more listening, only arguing over things that don’t matter. You used to stand for me when others hurt me. But you hurt me now, and it doesn’t seem to bother you at all. You hurt me by changing from a great friend into an alien. What happened to our sweet friendship? Busyness has become its greatest enemy.
When I look at you now, I wonder where my good friend has gone, and how could this stranger now dwell in you.And I can see you’re not happy. Oh you are so unhappy. Maybe this unhappiness has made you forget to listen, or is it a sign that it’s my turn now to listen to you? Did I talk too much and never listen enough and now you get sick of my selfishness?I would like to listen to you. Call me. Drop me an email. Ask me out. Tell me that you need a talk. But you remain silent. And even when we finally talk, I realize we don’t even speak the same language anymore.I really miss you.
I miss the one I used to know. I don’t like the new you, cos I don’t know you anymore.
Do you really know me?
RICKY'S RIDDLE
Lately I have been staying late at the office, because Ricky was always online several minutes before my working hour ended, so I wanted to chat with him.
Yesterday he gave me two ‘sciogli lingua’ riddles to test my Italian ability (I have started a habit to learn Italian again, I try to spare an hour everyday, but I don’t always obey it).
Here’s his first one:
sopra la panca la capra campa, sotto la panca la capra crepa
No cheating on dictionary, he warned. Anyway, there’s none at my office except of course Indonesian-English.
So I answered,
On my stomach the sheep camps, below my stomach the sheep dies
And my new Italian teacher from Milan burst into laughter, because I was mistakenly thinking ‘panca’ meant ‘stomach’ (which is ‘pancia’ in Italian), but actually it meant ‘bench’. That’s why I had wondered before “what the heck is a sheep doing on my stomach? There’s no grass there!”
But other than that, I was good enough to pass, or so he declared. But I challenged him to give me another one.
Tì ca ta tachet i tac tacum i tac. Mi tacat i tac a tì ca ta tachet i tac? Tachesi tì i to tac che mi ma tachi i me tac.
Nooo…it doesn’t sound like Italian to me, at all. So I just gave up. Ricky said it’s a dialect of Milan. But at least I guessed one right word for ‘heel’ (Tanti, you’re smart! Hehehehe)
And now I know another Italian sciogli lingua (that might impress Ricky):
Trentatre trentini entrarono a Trento tutti e trentatre trotterellando
Ehehehe, sono inteligente, no?
Yesterday he gave me two ‘sciogli lingua’ riddles to test my Italian ability (I have started a habit to learn Italian again, I try to spare an hour everyday, but I don’t always obey it).
Here’s his first one:
sopra la panca la capra campa, sotto la panca la capra crepa
No cheating on dictionary, he warned. Anyway, there’s none at my office except of course Indonesian-English.
So I answered,
On my stomach the sheep camps, below my stomach the sheep dies
And my new Italian teacher from Milan burst into laughter, because I was mistakenly thinking ‘panca’ meant ‘stomach’ (which is ‘pancia’ in Italian), but actually it meant ‘bench’. That’s why I had wondered before “what the heck is a sheep doing on my stomach? There’s no grass there!”
But other than that, I was good enough to pass, or so he declared. But I challenged him to give me another one.
Tì ca ta tachet i tac tacum i tac. Mi tacat i tac a tì ca ta tachet i tac? Tachesi tì i to tac che mi ma tachi i me tac.
Nooo…it doesn’t sound like Italian to me, at all. So I just gave up. Ricky said it’s a dialect of Milan. But at least I guessed one right word for ‘heel’ (Tanti, you’re smart! Hehehehe)
And now I know another Italian sciogli lingua (that might impress Ricky):
Trentatre trentini entrarono a Trento tutti e trentatre trotterellando
Ehehehe, sono inteligente, no?
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
SWIMMING VS RHINITIS
Since I got allergies last year, swimming like that is not tempting anymore, cow it will give me endless sneeze....aatttchu! (and yeah, I feel blessed)
Monday, April 24, 2006
BEING CLOSE TO NATURE IS ALWAYS WONDERFUL
Spending time close to the nature always makes me feel refreshed. I’d rather have sore feet for climbing up the hill than for going around the mall and is exposed to hedonism and skin showing people.
Nature is beautiful with its greeneries, my favorite bright yellow Alamanda flowers, cloudless blue sky and the peaceful sound of dripping water that feels soft and cool on your face.
And they make you think of their Creator, who came down to earth He created two thousand years ago, to be one of us, to feel how it is like to walk in our shoes, to know how it is like to have a broken heart for being rejected and despised.
That same Creator loves me so much that after He gave Himself for me, He also sent me great friends to share the beauty of His love and creation with.
And it was a great Easter week for me. The hiking was a confirmation of my total recovery from dengue, and the get together reminded me of how great it is to have friends to laugh together with. Sure we all have struggles in our personal and spiritual lives and works, and we all have dreams not yet to come true. But I pray that each of us will not lose focus on what really matters for eternity (beyond all the pleasures and wealth and happiness according to the standard of this temporary world), and will fix our eyes on it with the power of our risen Lord.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
MY CUTSY WUTSY NEPHEW
MEET HENRY,
TURNED 7 THIS YEAR
LOVES F1 and KIMMI RAIKKONEN
ADDICTED TO FOODS, PLAYSTATION, AND BUBBLE BATHING
YOU WOULD LOVE HIM WHEN HE'S IN A GREAT MOOD, BUT WHEN HE STARTS TO WHINE, RUN!
MISS OLIVE
Miss you, Olive!
Miss your craziness, miss your fun dancing, miss your sweet voice, miss watching movies together in your bed, miss to hear your 'heboh' talks. Miss to ride double with you on your bike, though you drive slebor sometimes!
WHEN HE TOUCHES ME……
The world around is still the same, with all the heartache, inconsistence, ups and downs, tears, frustration, boredom, and other unpleasant things we have to live with. Imagine when everything seems to be wrong, the whole world is against you, and you’re sure you’ve hit rock bottom that you could not even say words, you just weep and ask for help, cos you feel so small and helpless.
And that’s when he touches me. Nothing happens outwardly. Everything is still like before, and the situation is not getting better. But suddenly there’s a radical change inside when he snaps his fingers above and right away, the mourning is turned into dancing. Oh, it’s so good to get another hope when you feel hopeless, and to touch your cheeks to find out that the tears are gone.
I don’t do anything to earn this lovely touch. I just need to be broken first to be sensitive enough towards the tenderness in its every stroke. How many of it have I missed because I was too dull to be aware of it?
Oh, how I long to be touched by him once again! Because when he touches me, it feels like a miracle. And I’m telling you, I do believe it is.
And that’s when he touches me. Nothing happens outwardly. Everything is still like before, and the situation is not getting better. But suddenly there’s a radical change inside when he snaps his fingers above and right away, the mourning is turned into dancing. Oh, it’s so good to get another hope when you feel hopeless, and to touch your cheeks to find out that the tears are gone.
I don’t do anything to earn this lovely touch. I just need to be broken first to be sensitive enough towards the tenderness in its every stroke. How many of it have I missed because I was too dull to be aware of it?
Oh, how I long to be touched by him once again! Because when he touches me, it feels like a miracle. And I’m telling you, I do believe it is.
DELIRIOUS? MAKES ME CURIOUS
After watching their concert in Jakarta almost a month ago, I became more and more curious about Delirious. I searched the internet to find their lyrics, and ended up knowing that some of their songs had been very familiar for me, without knowing it was them who sing and write those songs.
But some songs I don’t know at all. Nevertheless, I really like the words, cos they are deep and meaningful. These are among those I don’t know how to sing, but I love the rhymes, especially in the first one.
Pursuit Of Happiness
In pursuit of happiness
You're only finding sorrow
I run away and I confess
I'll try again tomorrow
Tomorrow, can I begin again?
And stick with you to the end
I know what I have said
I know what I have done
In the pursuit of happiness
How can I be satisfied?
Beg, steal or borrow
God knows the tears I've cried
I'll try again tomorrow
If I could only find
A way to your heart
I know that I could be there
Just like you think I should
You know I would
Written by Stuart Garrard ©2000 Curious? Music UK
What Is This Thing Called Loved?
Looking into yesterday
and all the dreams that heaven sent.
Maybe love will come our way
And when I stand upon the land I threw
the dreams into the sea
Maybe they will rise again
And maybe, maybe love will come our way
And maybe hope will come to us again
What is this thing called love
I know I've found it, it's in your eyes
What is this thing called love
I know I've found it, it's in your eyes
Looking to the 'morrows dreams
And all the secrets that they hold
Patiently waiting for these days
And when I look into the sky I see that
hope is coming soon
Praying love will come again
And maybe, maybe love will come our way
And maybe hope will come to us again
Written by Martin Smith ©1994 Curious? Music UK
Anybody wants to teach me how to sing it? Martin Smith? Haha..
But some songs I don’t know at all. Nevertheless, I really like the words, cos they are deep and meaningful. These are among those I don’t know how to sing, but I love the rhymes, especially in the first one.
Pursuit Of Happiness
In pursuit of happiness
You're only finding sorrow
I run away and I confess
I'll try again tomorrow
Tomorrow, can I begin again?
And stick with you to the end
I know what I have said
I know what I have done
In the pursuit of happiness
How can I be satisfied?
Beg, steal or borrow
God knows the tears I've cried
I'll try again tomorrow
If I could only find
A way to your heart
I know that I could be there
Just like you think I should
You know I would
Written by Stuart Garrard ©2000 Curious? Music UK
What Is This Thing Called Loved?
Looking into yesterday
and all the dreams that heaven sent.
Maybe love will come our way
And when I stand upon the land I threw
the dreams into the sea
Maybe they will rise again
And maybe, maybe love will come our way
And maybe hope will come to us again
What is this thing called love
I know I've found it, it's in your eyes
What is this thing called love
I know I've found it, it's in your eyes
Looking to the 'morrows dreams
And all the secrets that they hold
Patiently waiting for these days
And when I look into the sky I see that
hope is coming soon
Praying love will come again
And maybe, maybe love will come our way
And maybe hope will come to us again
Written by Martin Smith ©1994 Curious? Music UK
Anybody wants to teach me how to sing it? Martin Smith? Haha..
SARAH, MY LOVELY SWISS LADY
I thank God that I went to an international church in Bandung on that Sunday morning almost 4 years ago, and dropped by a coffee table afterwards to get me some tea, and saw her. Didn’t know that God was doing another great thing for me, by sending an angel like her to be my true friend.
Big blue eyes, bright smile, hair all shining like gold beneath the rays of the morning sun, and heart of gold too.
She’s much sweeter than any Swiss chocolate, more elegant than any Swiss watch.
She could eat without a spoon, stir her coffee with her toothbrush, sleep on the floor with a thin mattress, walk with me for eight hours in a jungle, being catcalled on a street as ‘bule! or mister!’, bathe and wash her clothes in the rivers out in the boonies in Sumatra and Kalimantan and I NEVER heard her complain about my country. Not even once.
“I don’t understand why people here complain about rain,” she said. And off we went swimming under the heavy rain and roaring thunder like two crazy gals. I like a mischief in her, cos I am like that too, like when she chose to skip the Bahasa Indonesia test at her school the following day and instead, spent the whole evening ice-skating with me (or helped me not to fall, exactly).
I admire her charitable character and her desire to always help others, even those she doesn’t know, and I love her thick European accent and her sweet voice on the phone calling me her darling.
I can tell her all of my feelings and she NEVER judge me like some others. I can tell her all my struggles and problems and she is always there to help and console and make me feel lovable.
Sarah, if I were offered all the money in the world, plus all the fame and a chance to be a published writer, plus a round trip to Italy, and a faithful dancing partner, over our friendship, I would still choose you.
ICH LIEBE DICH, MA CHERIE.
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